"Cherish all lives around you hard enough so that when they're off someday, you know you've given your best, without regret, and still be able to find joy in the midst of grief."
It all began with this statement, and what lies beneath is something worth the thought.
For the entire afternoon, I sat in the living listening to numerous repertoire my band had played in recent times. Quite a number of them, like Portrait of a City (Philip Sparke), The Thunderer (J.P. Sousa), brings upon an extraordinary, unexplainable feeling, with no words to replace. As though an arrival to enlightenment, the neurons up there went crazy at lightning speed, a record in recent memories. For what was supposedly a milestone for celebration, my emotions plunged into the trough for there were too much subconscious reflections even I myself can't factorize.
The music went on, and so did I; falling asleep on the couch. The dozing-off moments were at best five to 10 minutes, the feeling was heavenly nonetheless for it was the most quality rest I've ever gotten for years. I knew I had gone into deep sleep by then, and everything was great for the next one hour or so until awaken by my phone.
'I just realized, only until now, that I ain't a metal soul.'
Subconsciously this was the message I've sent, and received, internally. I'm only human, and yes, I should be getting more than just a quality rest. Where the shit is my inner peace? I wondered, but thoughtfully. All the chaos within, with stems from the past failure, anger and inability, I figured, has led to the current disappointment and struggle. Any further stimulus will lead to further damage, and this is the state of well-being I'm in. I'm not anymore capable of the role that has spoken of me since the dawn of time, perhaps even leading to your belief that all these while I've been one whom you believed to be. This isn't healthy, at the very least. What more the perceived damages it is to cost. Scratch below the squeaky clean surface you'll find all flaws.
At this very stage and condition, recovery work will further multiply the damages done, so rather, I would do nothing this time round, with fingers crossed. That said, already a choice has been made by choosing to remain idle. Something's on my side this way, I believe. This is the first and only step I will take to achieve peace of mind, regardless of what comes along the way, and shall remain to be seen and rediscovered.
There had been relationship problems, with one that is very damaging and I'm starting to see the effect now. A year on, even after an attempt for moving on, sees the worst side of my emotions emerge. The fear of disability, the energy-draining worry for the unprecedented, the phobia for another round of drama, the lost of real confidence, the shiver upon the thought of new chapters, and the courage deeper down than ever before. I'm afraid without proper pathway to guide me out of this trench I'll forever feel numb, consistently trying to hide in the slumberland which actually has nothing better than the 'outer' world. I ain't a saint.
I've since practiced the 100% self-responsibility rule without much fanfare but pure bitter determination, and yet it is very much to blame. I've been absorbing bits and pieces of rubbish deemed too small for others to swallow and now I become, yes, just full of rubbish. Saturated that is. It is proven in this living example that any ritual worth getting rid of should have been done so long ago, without having to remorse in the days ahead over what have or haven't been done or appreciated. It got increasingly tiresome to have kept pushing the boundaries for the people who didn't seem to care a bit, what more the long presence of this expectation that any outgoing deed should be returned in due course, unconditionally. I was utterly wrong in this sense, despite putting this "for it is in giving that we receive" message across to an audience of over 400 last year. I shudder to even think that among the other less-than-trivial, mention-worthy issues, imagine the closest friends have been leaving my birthdays uncelebrated, sometimes unnoticed, for all these years, when whether or not it is just by coincidence everyone else got their well-planned special day except myself. I'm not in the position to answer this question though. It may not be important, but this shows how much care there was. Whether is it of importance till this very day, it is for sure that this cup of tea has gotten cold.
I would make some reservation on family issues, which is no punier than everything else. I would say, a large part of my time is spent on discussing on various issues, certainly life-threatening.
There are just too many self-destructing thoughts I've had to fend off from within, and it is in the midst of establishing these ailments that I found lots of inner blame, which is accumulating, and still do, until I found a way out in this continual, determination-hungry battle. I've always wanted to say ' I GIVE UP' easily for the amount of weight i'm shouldering, but considering all the beauties of life and based on this phrase 'there are more colours than white', I spurred on, albeit with so much problems.
Few days back, I received a note that KH's Dad had passed on, and it once again struck me with an unprecedented sense of frangibility at a new level. Being of the same age and with similar background, I could feel that his life is not going to be easy anymore (point to note is that his life was not any easier anyone would have thought). But his winning attitude of resilience, forward-vision, determination and strength would lead him to a better path for him and his family. I really respect such attitude towards life, for life is extremely vulnerable and is worth nothing less than pure love, joy and a great sense of purpose. The rest of the matters would in comparison seem to have taken a back seat and would appear punier than before a disaster. Sadly, it is only after a crisis that we truly learn. But not surprisingly, it takes someone with these values to overcome faster and further than others actually could.
Cherish life to the fullest, that is. What lies beneath is the forces of life, some of which we have no control of. Yet, the decision we make in life hovers around the different choices that we have, something in which we're empowered as a human. Some call it the human rights, others call it the God's gift, while the rest call it opportunity. In Chinese, we have a term called '危机' (weiji) in which it's literal meaning is 'danger' and 'opportunity'. I'm still trying to learn to look for opportunities in the midst of danger. To put into context, there is no danger, but just some troubles in life.
Nothing internally is going to change for the time being. I'm going on a self-proclaimed 'holiday', away from all the nonsense life has in store for me and savor only the good ones for there are more colors than white. In just about a week I'll be off to Brunei for a work trip, it's also time for a serious disposal of all the rubbish - all done so responsibly - and quietly.
I will recover in due course. I will move on. I really hope I do.